Feng Jin, standing in the deserted wasteland, the surrounding scene is lifeless. Her eyes are empty, as if she has seen everything, but also as if she has seen nothing. She likes to stand here alone, stand for a long time, and wait quietly. The outside world always makes her feel uneasy, but the loneliness here can make her calm down a little and think about her future. Life is like this wasteland, desolate, dry, without any color, like an old photo covered with dust, everything is blurred, nothing can be seen clearly.
Her mood is the same as these scenes. Cold, but it may not melt anything. Deserted and lonely, as if there will never be warmth. Feng Jin is a little tired, perhaps not physically tired, but mentally tired. The mind that is always immersed in endless thoughts is always suffocated by unknown pressure. She has asked herself countless times, what is the meaning of such a life?
“Fear crushes flesh and blood.” She was a person with no faith, and perhaps she had never really thought about what faith was. The only thing she remembered was the fear that she could not get rid of. That fear did not come from the outside, but from the bottom of her heart, an indescribable emptiness. Whenever she closed her eyes in the dead of night, that feeling of emptiness would surge into her heart, almost suffocating her. She tried hard to find the thing that once made her warm, but it always slipped away from her fingers like sand. She dared not admit that she had never really owned anything.
“Courage tore the chest.” Feng Jin raised the corners of her mouth slightly, she did not understand the meaning of this word. Courage is never innate, it is just slowly cultivated in struggles. Her life has not seen peace for a long time, everything in her heart has been torn again and again by the years, and all the wounds have long been healed into hard scars. Every time she looked up, she could see the pain of the past, and behind every tear, there were too many unwillingness. However, it was in these countless tearings that she found courage. It is not as shiny as the legend says, but is hidden in the darkness, so hidden that it is almost invisible. It is not external heroism, nor is it the kind of high-pitched excitement in battle. It just silently supports her to keep moving forward.
“Glory baptizes the body.” This sentence sounds like the beginning of some heroic legend. However, Feng Jin never felt that she could be associated with any glory. She is just an ordinary woman, living in this boundless wasteland. Her former dreams have long been worn away. The only thought in her heart is to find a way to keep herself alive. Glory is just an empty word to her. There is always an insurmountable distance between it and her. Feng Jin knows that she can’t be a hero in the eyes of the world. She has never longed to be a brilliant existence. Her pursuit is simple, that is, to live, live better, at least not to disappear too quickly in this cruel world.
“The seeds of thinking” and “the sprouts of manas” are hints in Feng Jin’s life. She knew that in this wasteland, she was like a seed, waiting for a day to take root and sprout in this lonely soil. She did not expect any earth-shaking changes, but only hoped to find her own place in the struggle day after day. But she knew that all this was not achieved overnight. Every seed needs to go through a long wait before it can break through the soil and see the sun. And the starting point of all this is the unspeakable tenacity.
She didn’t remember when she became so indifferent and ruthless, nor did she know when she lost her warmth. The feelings that had long been worn down by life gradually disappeared in the depths of her mind and became blurred. Just like when she stood in this wasteland, all her memories were buried by the wind and sand, and her heart became empty, as if she had lost all the weight. She knew what she had once had, perhaps an old time, or perhaps some past events that she didn’t want to recall. But these things have long become a thing of the past in the passage of time and are no longer important.
Feng Jin is not afraid of loneliness, and is even somewhat accustomed to the taste of loneliness. She doesn’t like the noisy world. The feeling of being surrounded by people makes her a little breathless. She would rather wander alone in this wasteland to find her inner peace. People will always be lonely. Loneliness is not necessarily painful. Sometimes it is a kind of self-baptism and a way of growth. And she slowly found her direction in this lonely journey.
She is not a name that will be remembered by people, nor does she intend to leave any impression in people’s memory. She is just an ordinary woman, standing in this silent wasteland, looking at the disappearing days, gradually calming herself down, accepting the past and the future. What she expects is not some spectacular success, but to find a place that belongs to her in this world, a corner that will not be forgotten. She knows that all this may never happen, but she has never regretted it.
Because she understands that all the loneliness and tenacity are her truest existence. And her persistence may be her only promise to herself.